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Sunday, September 13, 2015

Even Less Sugar: When Audrey Finally Lets Loose

She wants me home.  (I want to be home.)

She wants things just to be normal. (God, do I know how she feels.)

She wants someone at school to talk to. (How I wish our school counselor wasn't split between two buildings. Would it be possible to make room in the budget for two??)

She describes living behind a glass wall that isn't sound-proof. Describes bricks being built up around her.

She feels like it's "pretending" to continue with things like karate and piano, and gets a sense of dread when she knows they're coming up.

She wishes she didn't believe in God because then it wouldn't be like He did this or wasn't fixing it.

She wants me to pay more attention to the little things, like when she talks about friends and grades and classes and such. I'm "always tired or stressed" and "compared to Dad all this stuff is insignificant."

She feels bad when people say they're praying for us. It reminds her that things are bad. It reminds her that they're not getting better.


  1. Bless her little heart. It makes me so sad to hear that any child has to go through times like this. May God help you and your little ones find peace during this hard time.

  2. Rachel....I think I'm in a wrong box and this may end up posted as a reply to Marci, but it isn't meant to be. Audrey is too way off the charts intelligence-wise. Her description of her feelings is years beyond her age, but perfect. All of the things she speaks of relate back to fear and not knowing how to get rid of that awful feeling. She does want her Mom home, of course. But her description of the glass wall that isn't sound proof, I nearly dropped. She's saying she is see all of it and hearing all of it (but wishes she weren't). And then goes on to describe bricks being built around her. She is psychologically building bricks to protect herself from what she is seeing and hearing. And yes, if more people are praying then God still hasn't fixed this problem (and maybe He won't.....she is thinking). I'm concerned that she is feeling like she is losing herself because the things that are HER normal aren't happening. Talking about the things about school and classes, and whatever is normal. I would imagine she can allow herself to be into those things, and then it hits her again about her dad. And none of it matters. Does she have a diary? IF not, it might be a very good thing for her. So she can write whatever she feels and get all that gook inside of her out. Rachel, we are going to have to put props under your arms to keep you up. You are having to manage way too much. I worry about you all. I'm thankful you have your parents reasonable close by. I wish I could do more for you, I really do. Know this, I always pray for the kids, too, but I'm going to up the level to be more specific in those prayers. God bless, and if you know anything else I can do, just call me. Becky

  3. What an incredibly insightful young woman. All of her statements make perfect sense to me. Her metaphor is profound. I'm so glad she was able to open the door to her thoughts and feelings and let them find words.

  4. Dear Rachel, Through a chain of people, I received word about what has been happening in your family. I've been praying for all of you and have asked others to join us in prayer. I'm sending in my e-mail to be able to get the updates directly. May God wrap his arms around you and hold you close. Blessings, Susan Park