How We Are

Tomorrow is the big day.

I’m spending today finishing up laundry and doing surgery prep ... which means I had to drink the nasty stuff and I’ll be staying close to the can all day. ‘Nuff said.

So how are we?

I’m over it. I’m ready for this to be done with. I’ve done my worrying, my planning, my preparing, my normaling.  I’d now like to be recovering and done-ing.

It’s the kids. Seriously.

Ezra asks every day if there’s any new information. He’s thoughtful and ruminates about how cancer is terrible and wants to know that once this is done all the cancer cells will be out of my body. He’s

trying to wrap his head around all of it by planning every minute down to the smallest detail. CONTROL. And snuggles; he’s wrapped in a blanket and hugging me every chance he gets.

Audrey is a bigger fish. She is an energetic, amazing teenager. She’s into lots of things, is a lot of fun, and is just OUT THERE in terms of her personality and fire. But inside ... guys, she’s really imploding. She’s SOOOO worried about me. I can’t explain how much she doesn’t give off that vibe, but it’s eating her alive. I’m so ready for this to be over, for HER sake.

 As for me, I’m plodding along. I dislike that I’m not sure what to expect in terms of recovery time, but I have to just breathe and believe that it will all be fine and even though I don’t know HOW it’s going to be, it will just BE, and we’ll get through it.

Also- there’s the hoping there are no complications and that this can be a one-and-done situation, vis a vis the C word.

Meals have been planned, rides are standing by, the house is mostly cleaned up and laundry taken care of ... so now ... we wait.

The stent is out! Yay!

(Really, there is no adequate way to express my relief here.)

Surgery has been scheduled: February 28. Probably very early in the morning, although it's unclear when "very" is.

Recovery time averages a day or two in the hospital, followed by a few weeks of "taking it easy," however that looks. (Thankful to not have toddlers!)

Since we're not doing the biopsy till after the surgery, I won't have pathology to report until a few days after removal. That will give a better picture of what follow-up will look like, but at minimum it will include regular monitoring of the Well-Behaved Kidney and His Surrounding Cohorts.

Adding new medical terms to my vocabulary by the day: nephrology. It's fun to say.

Oh, and here's a selfie of the bastard:

Thank you so much for your support through this. As always, my main concern is for the kiddos. So far, so good on that front; they know what's up - this will mark the end of a chapter, but the book is still open. Nothing's guaranteed in this life, and that uncertainty is difficult for anyone to accept, let alone a young person. Please keep them in your prayers.

Is It Really Any Question?

I guess it’s a big decision, and I don’t want to be flippant about it ... but I keep coming back to this:

"If a kidney lesion is a solid mass, particularly one that picks up blood and thus 'enhances' on contrast CT, it is considered malignant until proven otherwise. In the era of CT scan however, masses are found at a much smaller size than ever before. [...] 

Most patients will wonder why a biopsy is not routinely performed to differentiate between benign and malignant renal masses, and this is currently a controversial area in urology. The classic thinking has been that nearly 90% of all enhancing renal masses are malignant. If a percutaneous biopsy is performed showing malignancy, it actually has not helped the management of a mass in that, as a default, surgery was to be performed anyway. If the biopsy is indeterminate, as it often is due to lack of providing a large amount of tissue for review to the pathologist, one must still act on the assumption that cancer is present. If the tissue is read as benign, unfortunately this test has only an approximate 85% sensitivity, and thus cancer could have been missed. In all situations, a biopsy is a separate procedure with risks such as tumor spillage, bowel injury, hemorrhage and needle site seeding with cancer. Some centers feel that a biopsy can help grade cancer as high or low grade, thus making it easy to offer some patients with renal masses conservative management, but this has not become the standard. Thus, the decision to proceed with treatment is typically based on statistical likelihood and not an actual biopsy."

~https://www.dcurology.net/common-problems/kidney-masses.php

And so, unless any different evidence presents itself, I shall say goodbye to a kidney and hello to a hopefully speedy recovery wherein I can avoid hearing the C word for at least ... could I have like 5 years? That'd be awesome.

NOTE: I am currently miserable. I have a stent in place from the previous scope procedure. It is a tube running from my kidney to bladder, which causes me to feel a CONSTANT need to void, and all the pangs and twinges and aching which accompany that feeling. I keep hydrated as instructed, which presents its own problems--I'll let you deduce.

My current best friend.

The stent comes out Monday. I'm literally counting the hours. I hope, at that time, to have a better idea of surgery date. Thank you, everyone, for the cards, posts, and fantastic anonymous gifts ... you make me laugh and I appreciate it so very much.

The kids are okay. Ezra is stoic, for him, but also a bit more huggy. Audrey is attentive and a bit more considerate, which is nice :) They seem to have gotten past the extreme fear of the sky falling, and God bless them for being self-sufficient while I hobble around in angry pain.

Only 106 hours to go.

The Good News and the Annoying News

Thursday I had a ureteroscopy to determine if my kidney tumor was of the connective tissue type, or the “meat of the kidney” type.

It has been determined NOT to be the former.

Oh, so it’s the latter then!

Well, not necessarily.

There is STILL a chance that my tumor is benign, and even something I was born with which has been slowly growing my entire life.

So this [barely new] information prompts us to:

• do a biopsy of the thing, hoping it’s the benign kind, and therefore can be zapped in place to shrink, OR
• take the whole kidney out, treating it as a cancerous tumor, because if it IS cancer, poking it with the biopsy needle could spread the cancer. 

It’s quite possible that removing the whole kidney and a post-op biopsy will reveal the thing is benign and I could have carried on with both my kidneys. It’s also possible taking it out will mean “whew, we’re so glad we caught that thing when we did.”

How am I doing? My brain and urethra are on fire, since you asked. 😜 I have a stent in place that will remain for a bit. Its presence tells my brain I need to pee. All. Day. And. Night. Except I don’t, and even when I do, it’s a painful experience. So. I’m a tad miserable, but that’s temporary (I keep reminding myself).

The bigger issue, of course, is the big decision. I’ve been second-guessing, but I’m still leaning toward taking the whole thing out. Why literally poke the cancer bear? I’ve been told lots of people do just fine in life with one kidney. Dr. K. says my “good” one looks healthy.

And in other news - you guys are awesome. Truly. I woke up from my procedure to an avalanche of well-wishes and wtf-ers (I love and appreciate both). The virtual hug I get from facebook (especially when I can’t really go out and about) is heartening and priceless. Cheers to you, friends.