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"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." ~Aristotle

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Thursday, September 10, 2015

Even Less Sugar: How BIG of a Problem IS This, Really?

When your husband's heart rate spikes when they try to get him out of bed, (and you're not even there to see it because you forced yourself to "get out" and took the shuttle to Target for an hour) then later his cognitive function seems "off" and then he clearly has a fever but nothing is reading as such, his tremor is crazy bad, his nurse (before she leaves for the next shift) mentions his "CSF fluid is a darker color" (she at least also tells you she's informed the doctor), and he says he has a headache, when he hasn't had one for a day or so, when they're testing his blood for Heprin content but not for infection, when he then SHOWS a fever  ...

Is this a brain bleed?
Is this an infection?
Is this a BRAIN infection?
Is this the tumor doing something?
Is this swelling post-op?
Is this a pool of CSF up there making trouble? Is it air somehow getting in again?
Does this "just sometimes happen?"
Does this "sometimes cause this other thing?"

All of that, coupled with feeling like no one was listening to what I was saying, married with, "am I way over-reacting here, if no one else seems concerned?" on top of "they're all in surgery and can't chat with us about this," and "we still haven't determined what we're doing about that PICC line (replace or keep?) ... and "yes, he can tell you his name and this hospital, but he says the bathroom is way down the hall, and says it in broken speech, when he's never actually USED this bathroom and if he had, he'd know it's about 2 feet away ...

I'm so tired.

Ian is sleeping comfortably. His fever went away, his heart rate is acceptable and steady. My eyes sting from a two-hour terror cry. I'm going to bed, while my Dad sits up with Ian for a bit longer, watching him sleep. Tomorrow is a new day, of course ... but as we know, it can always be worse.

Pray for us. I have no idea what today was about, nor do I know if we'll ever know, NOR do I know it won't happen again, or even not to EXPECT it, for that matter. Semper Gumby.

Also please pray for "A," a man probably younger than Ian with similar health history who seems to have taken a dramatic downturn tonight.

There are others on my heart tonight. You know who you are. A hard, sad night.

At least there was rain.


  1. Prayers are getting deeper and stronger for your whole family.

  2. "At least there was rain..." Wrapping you in gentle hugs and prayers today.

  3. Praying ferverntly for all of you and now "A." Just think of the testimony that your entire family will have one day. Hold onto the healing power of Jesus...cling to it!

  4. I'm so glad you took time to get away to Target. You NEED to do things like that for your sanity. I'm also glad to hear that the fever has resolved and the heart rate has slowed. Praying and thinking of you and Ian and the kids daily......

  5. I am so very sorry you had to go through that horrible time. I'm so glad your dad was with you. I'm so glad it finally resolved as much as it could. I'm so sorry that all of you are going through all of this!!!! I feel helpless and intrusive. But I'm not quitting on being helpless and intrusive. Because I know I can PRAY big time and I know I can encourage. And I know my God and I know HE is at work...lots of it. I pray you get some good rest soon. And I dearly hope this day is better than yesterday. You are a marvel, never forget that. God's very own marvel. Remember to look up and point and say, "Your strength, not mine; your strength, not mine." Gonna go now and pray pray pray......also for A. Blessings!!!!!........Becky