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"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." ~Aristotle

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Thursday, August 20, 2015

Even Less Sugar: Quietly Waiting

Things are quiet around here.

The kids are at Camp Kesem, and, by the pictures, seem to be having a marvelous time. They SO needed this, after the lousy summer we've had.

Ian is on week two of antibiotic treatments. (4 syringes, 3 times a day, for 6 weeks: This is mostly via Nurse Rachel, although Nurse Craig has blessed us by easing my workload. Thanks, Craig!) The steroids, which we're tapering, cause a great deal of heartburn and re-flux discomfort. Other than that, he's tired and tires easily. We try to get in some short walks, and he goes on food-based outings from time to time ... but we have to limit his activity to one event per day, as he spends a while napping to recuperate.

Rachel is depressed. Not the "of course you're down in the dumps, all this stuff is going on and you're run down and worried" "woe is me" kind of depressed....

This is "I've done this before where I go into crisis mode and kick hospital butt, then I go into the daily maintenance reality, and all of the feels come to get me at once, resulting in not wanting to get out of bed." This is clinical depression, back from the shadows to say, "Hello."

I was expecting this, so although it's disappointing and annoying, it's not catching me off guard. I'm working on my daily care plan ... basically I have to force myself to do things. But only a few things, and reward myself for doing them. And nap -- just not to the exclusion of all else. I've been here before; when the dust settles, and the long haul begins, there is no fight/flight energy. There is a vacuum (dig: I'm not using the non-metaphorical vacuum because of the metaphorical one. Ha.).

Yes, I know this is to be expected.
No, I don't need to "just get out of the house."
Yes, I am seeing a therapist.
No, I am not suicidal.
Yes, I am on medication.
No, I am not interested in oils or supplements.
Yes, I know I need to:

  • connect with others
  • exercise
  • eat right
  • get plenty of sleep
  • pursue hobbies
  • pursue relaxation

We're waiting

for the kids to come home
for school to start
for eight hours between antibiotic doses
for the antibiotic cycle to be over
to find out if we've beat the infection
for doctor appointments
for the wound to close tightly
for the chemo treatments to start again
for the next MRI to tell us what's going on in that brain
for a miracle


  1. You are an inspiration for all wives Rachel. You have been a wonderful caregiver, mother and friend. You are equipping your children wonderfully in very practically and emotionally. I am encouraged in that when I think I couldn't hold up under all you're facing that the holy spirit is in fact real and present and intervenes through great trials. He is the very air you are breathing and your candidness with him shows great faith. You are on our hearts deeply and I hope you know from an outsiders perspective, that you are a shining beacon of the reality of God. He has given you Mich wisdom. God bless you. May faith cause one foot to go in front of the other every second of every day. Well done Rachel.
    Sincerely Chrissi

  2. * equipping in very practical and emotional ways. * much wisdom. (I'm a texting nightmare Rachel) πŸ˜€

  3. I think I sent you a message, Rachel, about the fact that I've suffered long clinical depressions three times, and so know that old friend intimately. One of the three almost killed me.....not suicide, literally almost killed me. I've used many tactics and techniques (yes, I'm in therapy, too, plus found things on my on that help) and if ever I can help you out, I surely will. I am NOT in clinical depression right now, so my feet will move and I can do a dish again. I'm praying for you always, as for the rest of you, and certainly Ian. Your first response above was spot on. Praying for the lifting of your burdens. I would like to help out with some food that could be sent from you know what is needed, I would do my best. God bless.