March 18 2011

I was always kind of ready for this: husband, barely responsive, lying in a hospital bed.  Five years ago a look into the future held such ugliness and grief; but as year after year came and went with a healthy, brain-cancer-beating husband, that image faded.  Still out there somewhere, but not hovering, casting a pall.

And now, here we are.

Don't misunderstand; I've not given up hope of a full recovery.  I just know that in any case, this is a long journey.  Ian is likely to be frustrated - with me, doctors, himself.  I am likely to be discouraged - can't do much to help him, sometimes the little I can do (stay by his side) he doesn't want, trying to maintain some kind of "normal" for the kiddos... not to mention that my best friend isn't able to talk to me about the day's events.  Sad.

The past few days have had their ups and downs.  He was able to breath off the ventilator for a bit, but that tired him out so much that he wasn't able to do it at all the next day.  He had a chest tube removed yesterday and one should be removed today (this was to remedy the collapsed lung).  He is off all pain meds and sedation for the most part (instead of a constant IV drip, he has a shot as needed).  He is no longer in restraints!  All day yesterday he did very little opening of his eyes.  Is he tired? depressed? coming off all the meds? can't tell.  I can say with NEAR confidence that he hasn't given up - he's just tired.

Taking the kids in today to send them home with grandma.  Audrey and I will go in to see Daddy as we did once before, and I am praying for the right words to comfort her.  What a blessing it would be if he was able to open his eyes and see her there!  I guess I can pray for that, although since he won't be able to speak, I don't know if that's better or worse for either of them.  Hmm.

Yesterday was a down day.  Today just is, at least till I get a better picture at the hospital.  You know you're going to get the straight story from me, so there it is.

To my pray-ers:
Everyone spirits, for today and the long haul.

That I'm able to coordinate the truckload of volunteers willing to help so I can get the kids taken care of, food on the table and misc. tasks under control while I do the daily commute.

For complete healing!  specifically: he needs to breathe and swallow.  If he has to be prone forever, I'm ready.  I just can't nurse a man who can't keep his breathing and secretions where they need to be, at least from home.

Patience for the staff: we've bent the rules a few times and the nurses have been gracious. I don't want to annoy any of them! I try to treat them with respect even when I don't think they've earned it, try to smooth over the edges when at all possible and stay out of the way while they do their jobs.

1 Samuel 3:18:  So Samuel told him everything and hid nothing from him.  And he said, "It is the LORD; let Him do what seems good to Him."


Lamentations 3:19-38 (New International Version, ©2011)

 19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
   the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
   and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind
   and therefore I have hope:

 22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
   for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
   therefore I will wait for him.”

 25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
   to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
   for the salvation of the LORD.
27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke
   while he is young.

 28 Let him sit alone in silence,
   for the LORD has laid it on him.
29 Let him bury his face in the dust—
   there may yet be hope.
30 Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him,
   and let him be filled with disgrace.

 31 For no one is cast off
   by the Lord forever.
32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
   so great is his unfailing love.
33 For he does not willingly bring affliction
   or grief to anyone.

 34 To crush underfoot
   all prisoners in the land,
35 to deny people their rights
   before the Most High,
36 to deprive them of justice—
   would not the Lord see such things?

 37 Who can speak and have it happen
   if the Lord has not decreed it?
38 Is it not from the mouth of the Most High
   that both calamities and good things come?